What I think makes for a dominant that I would respect is very different to many others’ opinions I am sure. I believe a good dominant insists that their subs take responsibility for themselves in almost all things. When we have no-one to blame but ourselves for the state of our being, then we truly become empowered to be who we really want to be and learn to trust our own decisions.To me being dominant is just a part of my characteristic and not a role I play (but I do love to role play!!) *evil grin* It is who I am and how I approach life in general. That does not mean I am a control freak and have to have my
own way in all things, or believe I am wiser than my subs, just by virtue of being their Mistress. Someone who can wear the title of Mistress or Master and not allow it to go to their head and think they are all wise and powerful, a Dominant who can be flexible with each and every submissive and not have a one rule for all. Each person has different needs, life circumstances and individual personal values should change the way a D/s relationship is developed, not some egotistical set of rules that has nothing to do with developing D/s but everything to do with just wanting to be an unchallenged, unexciting, unthinking egomaniac, and yes they are out there. So what makes a good Master/Mistress Dom/me is the one who will rock your boat and meet your needs, whatever they may be? There is no right answer, except what is right for you.
I found myself reading the latest article from Jack Rinella, a very well respected Leather Master who is well published, well read and respected by thousands throughout the world of BDSM. Its a bit of a long read but well worth it. See what he has to say On Being Dominant below. This man rocks!!

Issue number 15
Friday, March 21, 2008

On Being Dominant
By Jack Rinella

On preparing to speak in Springfield, MO this weekend I posted a
request for questions to their newsgroup and a reader submitted a
question
about “What advice would you give someone who is becoming a Dom.”

Well there’s a mouthful and not an easily answered question, but I’ll
try.

Before I do, though, I’d like to make note of my writing style. You
will see that I compound this essay by my unwillingness to call someone a
dominant or a submissive. These words are adjectives, not nouns, and I
refuse to use them wrongly. Having a dominant personality does not make
someone dominant. Being on the dominant side of a relationship doesn’t
necessarily give someone the right to insist on the title of “Dom” or
“Domme.”

If you look at my family tree there are one or two “Don Battaglia”
ancestors. Don and Donna are titles bestowed by Kings and Lords and our
corruption of them into Dom makes no sense to me. But that is my minority
opinion. Another minority opinion that I have, based on four years of
struggle at the hands of teachers of French, is that Domme has no accent
mark on the “e” and so the “e” is silent. Thank you very much. I sure
can be picky, can’t I? I guess it’s because of my dominant but
non-aggressive personality.

For starters I began thinking about myself and what kind of qualities I
thought I had which made me a dominant player: Extroverted but not
aggressive, Controlling but not overbearing, Decisive but not impetuous,
Consistent, Confident but not cocky about it, Honest and open,
Persuasive, Selfish but caring, Responsible, Having a strong sense of
self, Able
to articulate that sense of self, and Respectful of others.

What is most notable about this list is that many of the
characteristics can be said to apply to a submissive personality as
well as to a
dominant one. As usual, a discussion about kinky folks is fundamentally a
discussion about human beings. Too often we disregard this very real
fact and think that as soon as we put on fetish clothing we cease to be
human. Simply put, the manners that your kindergarten teacher tried to
teach you apply even when you are playing in the dungeon.

So I’m extroverted but not aggressive. I would be loathe to say that
introverts can’t be dominant, but there is an element of being pro-active
and out-going that seems to be necessary, since domination in this
context is as much leadership as anything else. I necessitates some
amount
of directive-ness. I qualify this trait with “but not aggressive.” I
do so because aggressiveness can portray the idea of violence, trespass,
and disregard of the wishes and consent of others and hence is not
appropriate as a characteristic of a healthy dominant personality.

You see, what I am alluding to here is that the appearance of being
dominant is not the same as being dominant, at least not when applied to
the context of what it is that we do. That’s why one of the
characteristics that I listed was “Respectful of others.” We all
share the same
human condition and therefore we are deserving of the same respect
that we
ourselves desire.

Now the experienced dominant participant knows that respect comes in
many shades and hues. Additionally the interactions between two
consenting adults is highly dependent upon the type of relationship
that the two
have negotiated. What this means in practice is that the way a M/s
couple relate to one another is entirely different than how they might be
expected to relate to everyone else. As Patrick says “I’m Jack
Rinella’s slave, not anyone else’s.” That’s why I eschew the title
Dom and
don’t insist on being called Master Jack or Master Rinella. At
present I am
only master to Patrick and so I am only dominant in my relationship to
him, not to anyone else.

Of course I get lots of deference, probably because of my gray hair and
the remarkable size of my dick, but I neither expect it nor require
it. I hope, though, that I am appreciative of it when I receive it. One
of the characteristics that ought to be noted in the best masters is
that they understand the need for humility. Being masterful is different
than being prideful.

I once wrote a column (it’s on my website) called “Confidence Makes a
Master.” It’s also included in my book, “The Compleat Slave.” No one
wants to own a slave who lacks confidence either, but since direction,
control, and decision-making are all part and parcel of mastery, then it
stands to reason that the master must be confident enough in him or
herself and in his or her relationship to the slave that he or she
(doesn’t
this PC gender stuff make for difficult sentences?) can direct,
control, and decide.

That leads to another thought. The primary control that the dominant
partner must exercise is over him or herself. If you can’t control your
own actions and desires you will never be able to control those of
another. Control of another creates the necessity of being
responsible. The
gift that a submissive partner bestows is primarily that of surrender
to the will of the other. The only thing that makes such a gift
reasonable, responsible (on the part of the submissive partner) and
tenable is
that the gift comes with the requirement that the dominant partner
accepts responsibility for the safety, care, and well-being of his or her
property.

I guess this is as good a place as any to make note of the wide
variations in the expression of a dominant personality. There is,
though we
sometimes fail to recognize it, a difference between a master/slave (M/s)
relationship and one that is dominant/submissive (D/s). Though they
are near one another on the continuum of relationships, they are probably
most easily differentiated by the intensity of control that is given.

They vary, then, by degrees defined by how much time is spent together,
by what one partner surrenders or retains, and by the necessities of
career, family, and health. Examples include the fact that a long
distance relationship mitigates the possibility of more intense
control being
exerted, as does the fact of a submissive partner being at work,
having children in the home, or being of ill-health.

Additionally partners may agree to leave some aspects of a relationship
out of the boundaries of control. For instance, finances may not be
surrendered to the dominant partner. In fact it could be that the
submissive partner not only retains control over his or her own
finances but
might be in charge of the master’s banking accounts as well, though this
would be more of a service than exercising true control. I, for one,
would love to have a slave pay my bills for me.

Lastly, what this boils down to is that the successfully dominant
partner accepts his or her domination of other as healthy, empowering
to all
in the relationship, consensual, and morally good. It boils down to
self-acceptance of one’s personality and therefore the ability to live it
authentically.

I think of this almost every night. Dinner is over and my mother taught
me to help clear the table. Instead I get up, say thank you and do
whatever I damn well please, leaving an after-dinner mess for Patrick to
clean up. Doing so is simply part and parcel of my standing with him. I
am master of the home and therefore act as such. Leaving him to do the
dishes is one of the ways I exercise control. He agrees with and enjoys
that I do so. It is as simple as that and for me to do otherwise, in
my home, would erode and eventually destroy our relationship.

When I’m in your home, I’ll act differently, unless of course you want
to be my slave too.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or
visit my website at
http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maakBRKabFSUubn9Zx6b/ where you can
subscribe to this column and receive it weekly. Copyright 2008 by Jack
Rinella, all rights reserved.